It has been almost 2 months since my sweet Eli passed away.
He turned 2 on May 28th. He had a Mickey Mouse pool party and we invited all of his friends and family. He opened tons of presents and had a blast playing with them. And on June 15th, he died.
As a mother, how can I ever NOT feel like a failure? I was exhausted, and I was lugging around a 9 month old and 2 year old, both crying and wanting to stay in the pool. I closed and locked the door, but forgot to go back out and close the pool gate. You know what's worse? I accidentally left the key in the deadbolt. Eli had never been able to turn the key before, but he figured it out at the worst time.
We woke up around 8:30 on Saturday morning. I felt Will get out of bed to get Ben, who had been yelling for a while. Not a true cry, just a "hey, someone get me out of here" yell. A couple seconds after I felt Will's body ease off of the bed, I heard his agonizing cries. I jumped up to find my husband on the patio, holding a soaking wet little boy. He handed him to me and I put him on the ground. Did CPR for 20 minutes until EMS arrived. Watched water and white foam pour out of his mouth and nose while the breath I breathed into his lungs came back out. They cut off his red Elmo shirt and hooked him up to monitors...but he never had a heart beat. The police wouldn't let us follow to the hospital. They insisted we had to stay home to answer questions. That was 8:50am. They interrogated us until 2:30pm.
I live in a fog. I now function, 2 months later, but just barely. I don't have the motivation I once had. I miss my little boy so severely, and I feel completely responsible for his death. I truly believe he is in Heaven, and I know that Heaven is better than anything good he could experience on earth, but I still wish he could be here with me.
Sometimes I close my eyes and put my cheek against Benjamin's hair...and for a moment, I can pretend it is my sweet Eli I am holding.
I wish I could write more...but I'm getting upset just after writing this small amount. More later, maybe.
Monday, August 12th, 2013
He turned 2 on May 28th. He had a Mickey Mouse pool party and we invited all of his friends and family. He opened tons of presents and had a blast playing with them. And on June 15th, he died.
As a mother, how can I ever NOT feel like a failure? I was exhausted, and I was lugging around a 9 month old and 2 year old, both crying and wanting to stay in the pool. I closed and locked the door, but forgot to go back out and close the pool gate. You know what's worse? I accidentally left the key in the deadbolt. Eli had never been able to turn the key before, but he figured it out at the worst time.
We woke up around 8:30 on Saturday morning. I felt Will get out of bed to get Ben, who had been yelling for a while. Not a true cry, just a "hey, someone get me out of here" yell. A couple seconds after I felt Will's body ease off of the bed, I heard his agonizing cries. I jumped up to find my husband on the patio, holding a soaking wet little boy. He handed him to me and I put him on the ground. Did CPR for 20 minutes until EMS arrived. Watched water and white foam pour out of his mouth and nose while the breath I breathed into his lungs came back out. They cut off his red Elmo shirt and hooked him up to monitors...but he never had a heart beat. The police wouldn't let us follow to the hospital. They insisted we had to stay home to answer questions. That was 8:50am. They interrogated us until 2:30pm.
I live in a fog. I now function, 2 months later, but just barely. I don't have the motivation I once had. I miss my little boy so severely, and I feel completely responsible for his death. I truly believe he is in Heaven, and I know that Heaven is better than anything good he could experience on earth, but I still wish he could be here with me.
Sometimes I close my eyes and put my cheek against Benjamin's hair...and for a moment, I can pretend it is my sweet Eli I am holding.
I wish I could write more...but I'm getting upset just after writing this small amount. More later, maybe.
Monday, August 12th, 2013
Oh Sarah. Beloved, stop blaming yourself. It wasn't your fault.
ReplyDeleteGod bless you, Sarah.
ReplyDelete