Its been bad today.I'm irritable. I'm angry. I'm confused. I don't understand why I had a little boy and he died. Nothing makes any sense.
My poor husband has been suffering because of my bad attitude. Everything about him annoys me: the way he chews his food, the way he walks...and that's not how I want things to be. He's a great husband and person. I shouldn't feel like this.
I want to make things better...I want to be happy...I can't. I'm stuck in a rut.
I know I am blessed to have Ben and Olivia, but it doesn't change the fact that my Eli isn't here. And I'm forgetting him, and replacing his memories with those of Ben. It is such a confusing thing. If I find a shirt in the closet, I'll wonder, "Was this Eli's or Ben's?" I can't remember. I feel like I don't remember him but I am remembering pictures. I can't believe it. I can't remember my little boy who I loved (and still love) so much.
I'm angry that God took him from me, even if His plan is perfect. I'm angry that there wasn't another way. I feel so afraid for Ben and Olivia. Every time I look at them while they're sleeping, I wait a while to make sure they're breathing.
The anxiety, fear, irritability, tension....its wearing me down.
I need good sleep, sunlight, a clean home, good friends, family time, exercise, a good diet...I know all of these things, so why can't I just implement them in my life and be happier?
I have been working on organizing the house all week...but the sleep, exercise and good diet are seemingly impossible for me.
I feel so unmotivated and discouraged. I hope tomorrow is a better day.
My poor husband has been suffering because of my bad attitude. Everything about him annoys me: the way he chews his food, the way he walks...and that's not how I want things to be. He's a great husband and person. I shouldn't feel like this.
I want to make things better...I want to be happy...I can't. I'm stuck in a rut.
I know I am blessed to have Ben and Olivia, but it doesn't change the fact that my Eli isn't here. And I'm forgetting him, and replacing his memories with those of Ben. It is such a confusing thing. If I find a shirt in the closet, I'll wonder, "Was this Eli's or Ben's?" I can't remember. I feel like I don't remember him but I am remembering pictures. I can't believe it. I can't remember my little boy who I loved (and still love) so much.
I'm angry that God took him from me, even if His plan is perfect. I'm angry that there wasn't another way. I feel so afraid for Ben and Olivia. Every time I look at them while they're sleeping, I wait a while to make sure they're breathing.
The anxiety, fear, irritability, tension....its wearing me down.
I need good sleep, sunlight, a clean home, good friends, family time, exercise, a good diet...I know all of these things, so why can't I just implement them in my life and be happier?
I have been working on organizing the house all week...but the sleep, exercise and good diet are seemingly impossible for me.
I feel so unmotivated and discouraged. I hope tomorrow is a better day.
All you are feeling sweetie? Is 100% normal. I often feel like I don't know if I'm remembering my Pai or actually remembering my blog entries that I have read and remembering photos. It's been almost 7 years since she died and I still have days like this
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