Spiritual attacks

I really enjoyed my time in bible study at MOPs yesterday. I decided after the lesson that I would work on spending time with God, because my relationship with him has never been this distant. Since Eli died, I've kept God at bay, worrying that closeness with him means I have to surrender my children to him, and I can't bear to lose another. 

Satan must feel pretty threatened by my decision to more closely follow Christ because today has been nothing but bad news and attacks on my confidence and self worth. 

I'm sad and bitter about my birth. I feel stupid. I tried to do some crazy thing instead of going to the hospital like everyone else. Now I still owe my midwife her full fee, and I'm sure insurance isn't going to pay much since I didn't actually deliver at home...I'm going to end up owing six grand... I feel unsure and insecure about finances because I haven't gone over the bills in over two weeks and neither has Will. I feel like a bad mother, feel like I'm gonna lose it. I don't want to go to grief share tonight because I don't want to sit around thinking about Eli and crying, missing what I'll never get back. I feel like such a wreck. I'm in a rut. I wish I could draw the blinds shut and climb into bed....and stay there forever. 

I've lost my faith in my body and in birth itself. I feel out of touch and wounded by the whole birthing world. Can I go on to work as a doula after this? 

I hope today gets better after our nap. Maybe the rain will go away.