After cleaning out Eli's things from the attic, I decided to let Ben inherit some things. Eli's horsie, and his red toy car, a couple of his puzzles, and some of his toy trains. My intention was to keep Eli's memory alive, by handing some of his special things down to his brother. I think Eli would tell me that he'd really like for Ben to have his toys. It would mean a lot to him.
Today I did a double take. I saw Ben from behind and he was playing with Eli's horsie. It's a big stuffed horse that used to sing "Jingle Bell Rock" but the batteries have died. Eli called it his "farsie" and slept with it every night. We used to laugh at night because it'd be quiet in his room for hours after bedtime, but then we'd randomly hear this horse singing. Ben recently got his hair cut, so now he looks even more like Eli did. And for a split second, I thought I had gone back in time and was looking at my Eli playing with his farsie. The realization that occurred moments later was bittersweet; as much as I'd love to have my Eli back, I wouldn't trade Ben for him. I couldn't. I wondered, while pregnant with Ben, if I could love him as much as I loved Eli...if I'd have enough love to go around. And now I know, you don't split up your love when you have another child, your love just grows.
So, rambling aside, I mistook Ben for Eli. And it hurt. But I'm glad I have my Ben....he is such a blessing. He's so sweet for such a young person. My heart overflows with love for him. He reminds me so much of his brother....but I'm beginning to see that it is a good thing. I'm glad I'll be able to tell him about his brother as he grows up. I think they would have been good friends.
Today I did a double take. I saw Ben from behind and he was playing with Eli's horsie. It's a big stuffed horse that used to sing "Jingle Bell Rock" but the batteries have died. Eli called it his "farsie" and slept with it every night. We used to laugh at night because it'd be quiet in his room for hours after bedtime, but then we'd randomly hear this horse singing. Ben recently got his hair cut, so now he looks even more like Eli did. And for a split second, I thought I had gone back in time and was looking at my Eli playing with his farsie. The realization that occurred moments later was bittersweet; as much as I'd love to have my Eli back, I wouldn't trade Ben for him. I couldn't. I wondered, while pregnant with Ben, if I could love him as much as I loved Eli...if I'd have enough love to go around. And now I know, you don't split up your love when you have another child, your love just grows.
So, rambling aside, I mistook Ben for Eli. And it hurt. But I'm glad I have my Ben....he is such a blessing. He's so sweet for such a young person. My heart overflows with love for him. He reminds me so much of his brother....but I'm beginning to see that it is a good thing. I'm glad I'll be able to tell him about his brother as he grows up. I think they would have been good friends.
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