I'm angry, and this is my vent session.

I had guessed that maybe some people say mean things about us. I thought maybe people think I'm a bad mother,  that Will and I are screw-ups for not getting our children swim lessons, etc. Tonight I was informed by a coworker of some things she has heard. She detailed for me an account of a parent complaining that Eli died because the necessary precautions weren't in place. That if we had done a better job as parents, our son would be alive. She explained all this after letting me know her little boy just celebrated his second birthday. And she said, "Wasn't it pretty soon after his birthday...?" Yeah. He died 2 weeks later.

Our lives have always been insanely busy. Maybe its our fault for doing too much.
We closed on our house April 11th and moved in that week. We were both working full time, I on nights and Will 1:30 to midnight. We had a pool gate and doors with deadbolts that locked from either side, with keys. The pool enclosure doors had push handles that were at the top. Everything seemed safe. We didn't account for my human error combined with a clever 2 year old.

Eli died almost exactly two MONTHS later. We moved,  had a party for his birthday...and he died. We didn't have a lot of time to do anything. I spent every moment with the boys that I could. If I wasn't working, we were feeding ducks, or at the park, or at the library reading Mickey Mouse books, doing puzzles and coloring.

I know I failed as mother. I made the hugest mistake of my life. I left the gate open, Will didn't think to check it, Eli got out of bed before us in the early morning, figured out how to turn the key in the lock (which he had never been able to do before that day) and died before we had a chance to rescue him. I begged God to take me instead. I begged God to save him. I would have given ANYTHING to save my little boy.

  Can you point me to ANY parent who has never made a mistake with their children?  Have you ever experienced a close call? You found your child outside, or they fell off a bed as a baby, or something potentially dangerous? Do you use your car seats properly? Are your children rear facing until 2? I failed by not signing my kids up for swim lessons, yep. We were planning on putting it into the budget. Just the DAY BEFORE he died, I was looking into signing them up. I didn't have a chance! I'm glad that people who have had close calls have had only close calls. I'm glad that you haven't experienced this sorrow and grief. But no mother or father is perfect.

I'm deeply saddened by the things I heard tonight. That EMS personnel responding to the scene said Eli had obviously been dead for a while, because he was so filled with fluid. That Will was screaming at me, "How could you leave the gate open?"

Let me clarify something. My husband is a wonderful person, and has never once blamed me for Eli's death. He certainly never yelled at me. He has hugged me, cried with me, rubbed my back while I cried, held my hand...but he has never screamed at me.

I don't honestly know how smart it is to tell a grieving mother that her son was long-dead and filled with fluid. I know these things. I don't need to hear it. These thoughts already torment me relentlessly.

So tonight at work, minutes after this conversation, I had a panic attack. I vomited into a trash can, urinated on myself and spent a large amount of time sobbing and hyperventilating on the bathroom floor. I can honestly say, this is the worst night I have had in a long time.

If you think I'm a screw-up, I'm so sorry that you don't understand. That you are perfect, that you have never made a parenting error. I don't need anyone else punishing me with accusations. I know how to do that to myself just fine!

If you have the opportunity to interact with a parent who has lost a child, please choose your words wisely. There are some things better left unsaid. Perhaps talking about your two year old's birthday to a woman who just lost her two year old...is probably not a good idea.

And please don't make things up for the drama. My life is miserable enough right now without feeling the need to discount rumors.

Rant over.