The process of grief

Apparently there are 5 stages of grief. I've thought about them a lot since Eli passed, wondering where I'm at, how I measure up. Denial, the first stage, was huge for me. For the first month or more, I woke up each morning and realized he was dead,  and it crushed me like ten tons of rocks piled on my chest. The only way I could function was by going through the motions. Thinking about him or looking at pictures and videos was like allowing my heart to be sawed through slowly. The ripping feeling in my chest was unlike any other I've ever felt in my life.

I also have done a lot of bargaining. I would think this means I asked for God to take me instead of him. I did that too. But the stage of Bargaining includes the "what ifs." What if I hadn't taken them swimming that Friday evening?  What if Will had been off work that night? What if I had been AT work? These thoughts are debilitating, and yet for me,  completely necessary. I have to think through everything. It is like things are in boxes, and I have to go through every single one. If one is unsorted, I won't be able to find closure.

The stage of anger was an interesting one. I never really felt angry with God. I still wonder, "why?"  I truly and totally believe my boy's life was in God's hands, and it was Eli's time and place to go. It wasn't an accident. It was the will of God. Why? Well, I have some ideas but I'm not God so I don't know for sure. So, this stage of anger was comprised of anger toward myself, not God. And it was before I discovered his death was truly part of God's plan. Somehow,  I've forgiven myself. I did my very best as a mother. Eli knew I loved him,  even in our final moments together,  singing and playing before falling asleep. I loved him more than I even imagined was possible,  and my death will be a joyous one, because no matter what suffering I face, I won't be afraid. I'm looking forward to seeing my boy again. And I'm looking forward to meeting my Lord.

I teeter between the stages of depression and acceptance now. Sometimes I have a day where I just sob uncontrollably and talk to him. It hurts to hear Ben squealing outside with his daddy, because he sounds just like Eli,  and for a moment, I forget he's gone.  But most days,  I accept he is not here right now.  He is somewhere else,  somewhere beautiful,  waiting for me. I picture the excitement and joy on his face when he sees me again! Most days, I can function pretty well. I can go to Toys R Us and pick up toys he loved or would love. I can think, "Eli would have a blast with this!" I laugh at memories Will and I share about what a goofball he was. I miss him, but I know I'll see him again. And part of him still lives on in my heart somehow. I can still sense he exists, even if it isn't here.

I know I'm not out of the woods, I know I will have bad days and good days. I know holidays will be tough.  But Eli would want me to live. He would want me to help others, to love his siblings,  to bring others to know the love and salvation of Jesus. So I will do those things to the best of my ability. I will live for them now, God and Eli, and I will see them when this fragile, fleeting life is over. I never knew I could experience such joy after such sorrow!