Sleep

I cannot sleep. Memories plague my mind. It's a spiral- thoughts of his infectious giggle, my cheek against his face, his sparking hazel eyes gazing up at me in adoration...these thoughts turn to heartbreaking images of his body floating in the pool, his hair dripping wet, his cheeks pale, lips blue. His tiny white teeth gleaming back at me as I open his mouth to give him breaths. Tiny purple bruises appearing on his cheeks as his tiny belly sloshes while I compress his chest. The happy memories are easily replaced by ones that stab, burn, twist and ache. It is pure misery to remember my beloved son in this way. No amount of prayer or desire has been able to remove these thoughts from my mind. I feel like I am being punished.

If only I could see him again. I would kiss him endlessly. I would tell him how much I've missed him and love him. I would ask him if he loves Heaven.

When you love someone with every fiber of your heart,  mind, and soul, it does something to you in your entirety when they die. It tears those three parts to pieces. It is nearly impossible to put them all back together again. Imagine a vase that is worth millions. You drop it. It shatters. How do you go about putting it back together? Could you find every piece? Would it maintain its value?  I lost many pieces of myself when my Elijah left me. I feel as though I lost my value as a wife and a mother...and as a woman. I dropped the vase. I did. That sense of failure returns over and over, and permeates every bit of me that I have managed to sloppily push back together.

Wounds like these are hard to mend. Longing accompanies regret. Physical pain accompanies sorrow. Just when I think it is getting better....I'm sucked back into a pit of despair. I long for relief. Will I ever heal? Will I ever sleep? Will I ever have peace?

I pray, I weep, I pray, and I weep. It is all I know how to do anymore.